die weeds. die.

also. in what i can only imagine was an act of revenge for my having uprooted her one millionth spawn that had sprouted in [read: taken over] the front bed, one of my rose bushes tried to decapitate me.

hi, my name's stephanie and i'm a graduate teaching assistant.
hoorah for more college.
even more hoorah for college paying for more college!

the thought just occurred to me: where the f is my teaching certificate??
[nevermind that i don't need it anymore]

will someone please explain to me why i'm being overwhelmed with spam emails about watches:

can't fight the bad habit of being late? get a decent watch.
when the darkness comes your watch will still show you the time.
stay in harmony with your golden watch
women like gold watches more than they like chocolate
pearlmaster watch is more than just a watch.
a submariner ss watch will match your style for any occasion.
you should wear a submariner ss watch for every special occasion.
with a submariner ss watch life will shine with true colors.
own a branded watch today.
watch shop.
a watch that will not make your wallet lighter.
brand name designer watches for less.
get a luxury watch for a lesser price.

a few other notable non-watch favourites were also worth mentioning:
mom called police, where were you?
polar bears discuss life.
thing you never knew existed!
we know the method of get rid of most destroying pain!
with a larger instrument you will feel a more important man
if you feel your masculinity is already dead, call us us
smoking kills! and if you desire to stay alive, call us for our help.
zyban. put it in your pipe and smoke it. it works!
i am mclovin!

??

when today began, i was ready to change my name to alexander:
the first few hours were truly shaping up to be the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. my alarm went off in the middle of a rem cycle, so i could barely open my eyes. when i finally did, they burned and inexplicably remained pot-smoker-red for hours. thanks to my mild whining, boy beat me to the shower (with my half-asleep permission, so not the bad guy), putting me 30 minutes behind schedule. when i finally left [late], i got all the way to my exit off of 280 when i realized that i had forgotten my badge. i went home to get it, and after battling morning rush traffic *three* times, i made it to work forty minutes late. my uterus has also taken this opportunity to purge itself. thankfully, my day improved 10-fold in that nothing else sucktastic happened [yet].

last night boy and i saw adventureland and it was remarkably good--especially the soundtrack; however, it further cemented the feeling that i skipped a step: i never got to do the big city live in a hovel thing, and i feel like this is a crucial self-building experience that, by virtue of skipping it altogether, has left a void. i always looked forward to that step as an inevitability, but i was too much of a coward to take it when i had the chance...i wasn't ready then, but i am now; only, now it's too late for an epic adventure in self-discovery. i have to be a stupid suburban housewife instead. don't get me wrong, i love le boy, and i really love being married, i just hate feeling so confined.

oh, get me away from here, i'm dying.

dear rednecks of alabama:
burn in hell. since you continue to make drugs in your basement out of allergy medication, i can't buy enough to take once daily. there is a rock in my brain, i can't wear my contacts, and there isn't enough kleenex in the world to stop up my leaky faucet of a nose.
you suck at life.
a lot.

-s[neezy]

i tried to read someone's livejournal and this is what i got:


wtf, mate?
(so i realize the text is reallysmall, but if you click on it, it magically loads in a legible size)

one of my coworkers told me yesterday that his aunt went to smith college in the 60's.
she was friends with sylvia plath.

!

i'm going to be late for work, but i don't even care. finishing my coffee this morning is a primal necessity; thus, i type and sip. this is the last day of work before a four-day weekend at the beach with the fam. today of course will drag, but the others will be over in a few overjoyed heartbeats. [in other words, i'll find myself at the table, drinking coffee, wishing i didn't have to go to work again far too soon.]

holly golightly: you know those days when you get the mean reds?
paul varjak: the mean reds. you mean like the blues?
holly golightly: no. the blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. you're just sad, that's all. the mean reds are horrible. suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. do you ever get that feeling?

ah the double standard:
it's ok to conserve energy and save $$ on the power bill in the winter by making me miserable; however, when i suggest we open the windows rather than run the air at night to take advantage of cool summer rain breezes, i am rebuffed. why? it will make everything "wrinkly."
right.

proof that the first half of fragile eternity (otherwise known as the most disappointing book ever) could be condensed into 200 words rather than 200 pages [leaving plenty of book for the story which began when the book ended] :

ash is adapting to life as the summer queen: she is totally in love with seth. (i mean totally.) but the power of summer is bringing her close to keenen. the fragile [gasp] peace of the last book seems threatened.
ash: i love seth but i'm lusting for keenen. oh no!
don: i love you keenen but i know you'll leave me for ash. also, i don't want us to turn into your parents.
keenen: i love don, but ash is my queen. woe. connive.
seth: i want to be a faery, too. then we'll be equals.
ash: good idea!
keenen, don, niall: no.
ash & seth: why not??
[niall punches keenen in the face. seth is now his "brother"]
ash: please, don, take keenen back. this makes my life easier.
don: no. [stabs ash...then 20 pages later] ok, maybe i will.
[don & keenen, together again.]
banaach: look how easily i can fuck things up for you. [evil laugh] go war.
[seth disappears.]
keenen: see ya don, ash needs me.

the end.
(that was 171 words, btw.)
the sad thing is, i really liked the end of the book; however, i would have preferred it to continue. the only thing the book managed to accomplish was setting up the story for another book. which probably won't come out for another year and a half. grug.


in other news, i decided to embrace suburbia and prune my roses yesterday morning. i'm still finding mysterious cuts all over my body. having a yard *so* isn't worth it...

also: i want to go to nashville.

CAMERA OBSCURA!!!

sigh.

i'm an a[u]nt!

(congrats erin! quite a mother's day gift, eh?)

we have a five pound block of cheese.
it expired two days ago.

pep's cheese dip: you will be mine.
viva cinco de mayo!
(yes i mix languages. and i can't spell in either one.)

i forgot:
yesterday, i found a pair of shoes that has been living in my car since (likely) jr. year of college. it suddenly occurred to me that i hadn't worn them in a *really* long time, and then that i wasn't even sure if i'd worn them since i'd gotten married. or even since i lived in tuscaloosa (not even northport.) a wisp of a fleeting memory told me that the last place i remembered seeing them was in my car, and sure enough, there they were, underneath the driver's seat?
my car isn't even messy. i swear.

boy refuses to sign his name for credit card purchases. usually, i smirk as he draws a giant mlb like a three-year-old (even holding pen in a fist) on the screen at walmart. but. tonight, he decides to be a complete smart-ass and draws a smiley face.

to my amusement and sense of poetic justice, the self-check-out machine flips out and asks for associate approval. he hands card and license to the cashier as proof of his identity. message flashes on screen: "please check signature. does signature on card match signature on pad? y/n?"

i almost died keeping the laughter inside. boy, oblivious, stands by innocently as the cashier rolls her eyes and hits "yes." out comes the receipt. with a giant lopsided smiley face drawn on the bottom. hysterical.